NBA fans across the globe are preparing to get rocked tonight as Dick Vitale takes his antics to Denver, where he will join forces with fellow bald man Dan Shulman to broadcast the Nuggets-Heat matchup on ESPN.
Meanwhile, Mike Tirico, Mark Jackson, and Jeff Van Gundy will be mired inside the hot and smelly Cameroon Indoor on the Duke Campus to call tonight’s Duke-Davidson contest.
Before giving you a preview of the chaos that may or may not unfold on during these broadcasts tonight on ESPN, I will take a moment to congratulate ESPN on showing rare programming ingenuity by creating the “announcer swap” concept. College games with Dicky V certainly are stale, primarily because his excitement is usually completely unwarranted. A change of scenery might help Mike Tirico be happy once again. I have noticed as of late that he generally pouts during his NBA broadcasts, complaining about perceived injustices that his viewing audience doesn’t have time to care about.
But tonight should be fun. Here is what you can expect tonight if you tune in. I’ll start with the Duke-Davidson game, which can be seen on ESPN at 7 EST…
-Jeff Van Gundy will be sweating profusely during the open while sporting a blue wig. Mark Jackson will make fun of Van Gundy, and Tirico will be smiling…for the moment.
-After tip-off, all three will point out the insane energy of Cameron and say that college basketball is wonderful to watch–they will be lying but it may fool some viewers.
-The game will be filled with Stephon Curry love. Each announcer will compare young Curry to an NBA player and then discuss his chances to play in the League. I hope that someone says that Curry is better than J.J. Redick, because it is true. And because it will anger all those wonderful Duke fans.
-By halftime, the game will be either sluggish or completely out of hand in favor of Duke. Constant cuts to Dell Curry will prompt talk about the NBA throughout the second half, mainly regarding the injury to Carmelo Anthony.
-This probably won’t actually happen, but I hope that Van Gundy makes references to all of the great Duke players of yesteryear; think Jay-don’t-call-me-Jason Williams and Bobby Hurley. I guess Redick counts too.
Fast foward to Nuggets-Heat at 9 EST on ESPN…
-Dicky V dances with the much hotter NBA cheerleaders and makes plans to see them working later that night at a local strip club. Hopefully this doesn’t happen while the cameras are rolling.
-Dan Shulman will have his arm around Dicky V during the open, and Dicky V will gush over the talent in the NBA and how special the night ahead will be.
-Kenyon Martin winks at Dicky V and exposes his grill, prompting Dicky to talk about what a great college player K-Mart was, adding that he is proud of Martin for overcoming that horrific leg injury during his final college season.
-J.R. Smith will do something spectacular, or just make a 3-pointer, prompting Dicky V to say, “Ohhh, what a talent this kid is. Dan, he just really needs to play with maturity…he’s so inconsistent. He has George Karl and the rest of that Nuggets staff scratching their heads. I mean, just play basketball young man.”
-Since Melo isn’t playing, Dicky V will spend the night displaying verbal love towards Dwayne Wade. Although much deserved, it will annoy you to the point of ditching the game in favor of “What Not to Wear” on TLC.
-If you are still watching the game, which will end with a 101-89 Nugget victory, expect to see Dicky V interview Chauncey Billups, calling him a “great champion and a winner” even though it has been a couple years since the Pistons actually won the NBA title.
-During the Sportscenter wrap-up, Dicky V will have his arm around Dan Shulman and talk about how much he enjoyed the night, even though in reality the game proved to be fairly boring and uneventful. Vitale will add that he hopes to do the swap again sometime soon, and thank the bigwig’s at ESPN for the chance to call an NBA game.
I am really looking to seeing the madness tonight. If nothing else, the “announcer swap” has proved to be a successful ploy because I plan on watching both games despite having almost no interest in the games themselves. What a wonderful marketing tactic by ESPN.
I wish I could say that more often.